My depression story

Yesterday October 10, was the World mental health day. For this occasion, I’ve decided to share with you my depression story. So I suggest you, before starting reading this text to go crab a cup of tea or a coffee and a blanket.

You are ready? Let start !

For a while I knew that I wasn’t happy and that something was wrong with me. Maybe one year before my 28 birthday I began to have panic attacks and anxiety before going to work. I thought that it was just stress but it wasn’t. Even though, it was a big sign that something was wrong with me, I decided not to listen to my body and buried how I was feeling. I have to say that over the years I’ve become a champ at putting a happy face and pretending that everything was OK.

So on my 28 birthday my life started to really crumbled. I started to question myself on everything. I was feeling lost and empty. I was feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing in my life. I was feeling like I wasn’t leaving my life but like I was watching it unwinds under my feet. I didn’t know who I was without work. So I decided to reach for help and I found a PNL life coach near where I was living. I consulted that PNL coach for a while and she helped me ask myself those real questions that I was afraid to ask myself.  At the time, I thought that changing job could help me to get better, so I searched for a new job and I found one, pretty easily.

After a few months at my new job that, the company for who I was working for decided to abolish the department  where I was working. THAT was the moment where I snap, my world stop. It was too much to take in. I was mentally and emotionally drained. I don’t know how I continued working at the time but I did for a little while. I realized that I was really not OK when I snap at my ex-boyfriend for a sandwich and I started to cry about it. Then I decided to consult a physician for what I though was a burn-out. He diagnosed me with a severe depression. That was a SHOCK. Me, at 28 year old with a severe depression, I couldn’t believe it. It was unreal. It couldn’t happen. I was young, successful at my job, I was in a long term relationship, I had the life in front of me, so why it was happening to me?

The physician decided to put me on a sick leave for a period of time and to prescribe me antidepressant drugs. It was hard for me to realize that I had depression. And it was also hard for me to stop completely and do nothing. I wanted to do something, read, watch TV, watch a movie but I wasn’t able to do so cause I wasn’t able to focus on anything and to have the concentration for it. I was miserable, seriously for at least one month and a half a stayed in my pyj. I was so miserable that I didn’t have the motivation or the desire to make myself food. I also had no motivation to do anything for the majority of my sick leave.

During all that period I had one desire to get well as fast as possible. Since I wasn’t able to get better with my antidepressant, I started seeing a psychologist. It was really hard because it forced me to stop and start really questioning myself. Seeing a psychologist forced me to see the reality as it was and confront myself about being not happy and about the fact that I was living my life for everybody but myself.

So I decided to make a 360 and change my life for the better. I promise myself to live my life for me and only me. It sounds selfish but when you past 28 years living for everybody else then you, you realize that it’s not that selfish. I promise myself to listen to my body and to listen the little voice inside of me who know me best. From that moment, I took decisions that would changed my life for the better. I decided to end my 5 years long relationship and move back to Quebec city.

I was on a sick leave for 6 months and it was a rough journey with a lot of down and a few up but what pushed me to not give up was my desire to find myself and to be myself again.

After those rough few years, I definitely know now that I need to take care of me first, to listen to the little voice inside me and that I need to follow my instincts. NOW I know that work is not a finality and it should not define who you are.

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