I was talking, recently, to one of my good friends about how she always wants to please everyone to the detriment of her needs and of her health. She wants to be love so badly by everyone that she totally forgets herself. And it makes me think about the pressure that the society unconsciously put on our shoulder, us, women.
This reflection made me think about the reflection that I had two years when I was fighting depression. The psychologist that I was seeing at the time asked me this simple question: What Catherine really wants? It took me a few days before the question sank in and it took me a few weeks to be really able to answer this simple question.
And I realized that I was like the majority of women, I wanted to please everyone. I realize also that I took decisions in my life that wasn’t mine, just to please my family and friends or to simply follow the path dictated by the society. I was shocked by that truth, cause I always thought that I was someone who didn’t care about what people think of me and that I was doing what I wanted and that I was happy. That wasn’t the truth.
So I was like, F*ck, what do I really want? What do I really, really, really want? For a few weeks, I wasn’t able to answer that simple question.
I was like, F*ck, what do I really want?
I asked myself, do I really want to have kids? Is it so important for me to be successful at my job? Do I really want to get married? Do I really want to buy a house? Do I really want to be in a relationship? Do I really love myself? Do I really want to follow that “normal” path? At the time, I was in a 5 years’ relationship and engaged and I had a well-paid job. So I was scared to find out what was the real answer to those questions.
And finally the answer came to me and it was NO. No, I don’t want to get married, No, I don’t want to buy a house, No, I don’t want to be in a relationship, No, I don’t want to have kids at least for now. No, I don’t like what I’ve become. So I decided to listen to my guts and ditch everything. It was the only way for me to be me again, to finally follow MY path, do what I really want and be happy again.
And finally the answer came to me and it was NO.
It was definitely not an easy decision to ditch my 5 years’ relationship, my job, my routine to start again alone and in a new city. But that was what I REALLY wanted, cause the life that I was living and the path that I was following was making me so unhappy, sad and depressed.
Since then I have less anxiety and stress so that is a good start to a better me. But do I really know what I want two years later? The answer is no. I did figure out some pieces of my life but I still don’t completely know what I want. And it’s ok, to don’t know.